Based off of yesterday’s excerpt of Shotgun Groom, I thought it might be fun to bring in our lovable hero and heroine so we can get their reaction. We’ll start off with Joel.
So, Joel. Do you think your ploy worked and you’ll get out of the impending marriage?
Joel: Ruth, I have so many problems with you that I don’t know where to begin. You have to be the worst author in history. First, you referred to April as the “soon-to-be” Larson in this post. It’s not going to happen. Ever. Second, you just changed April’s brother’s age from 12 to 14. Make up your mind already! Then you have that creepy third bedroom but locked it so I couldn’t find out what’s in there? Please, everyone reading this, remember to give Ruth Ann Nordin a 1-star for this book. Not only is she marrying me against my will, but she’s also making me look like an idiot. Seriously, like I wouldn’t be on guard in case April did something obnoxious like pour water on me? I would never in a million years turn my back on her. Hasn’t my time with Tom taught you anything? I didn’t eat those utensils when he had the dog lick them in A Bride for Tom, so why would I let her dump water on me?
April: Dumping water? I wish it was mashed potatoes or something sticky like honey. You got off easy with the way you talked to me, you buffoon. “A woman should be seen and not heard.” I have a mind to throw one of these beach rocks at you.
Ruth: April, what are you doing in undergarments?
April: I’m not in undergarments. I’m wearing a nice tank top and a long skirt.
Ruth: But you’re in the 1800s. You’re practically naked. And stop staring, Joel.
Joel: I’m not staring! I’m reading what she typed next to her picture.
April: *sighs* Look, I time traveled to 2011 to the beach, okay? I heard it’s summer at the time you’re writing this and thought I’d get a break from the blizzard we just had in the story. Considering the kind of things women wear in your time period, I’m fully dressed.
Ruth: Let’s get back to the interview, you two. April, what do you think of this upcoming marriage? Good idea? Bad?
April: I do what I have to do. Sep might be muscular and tall for his age, but he’s only fourteen.
Joel: He’s fourteen today. Who knows how old he’ll be tomorrow when the author does some so-called revising. *rolls eyes*
April: Regardless of how old Sep will be in the final version, I’m still older than him. He can’t keep Lou away forever.
Joel: Lou? Who’s Lou?
April: I explained Lou to you earlier in the story. Weren’t you paying attention?
Joel: I had a gun pointed at me by your psycho brother, and despite his young age, I wasn’t able to escape, even though I’m 22. I hope the readers take note of how implausible that is when they go to leave a review of her book.
Ruth: You know what, Joel? You keep those snide comments up, and I’m going to have you kiss April well before the halfway point in the book.
April: Why punish me? I stuck around for this book. I could have run off again as soon as Joel accused me of flirting with him in chapter one.
Joel: *snickers* You know you wanted me. That’s why you decided to kidnap me.
April: I’ll be happy to hit him over the head with my rolling pin if you need me to put him in place, Ruth. Or I could slip something into his supper while you write chapter six.
Joel: Ha ha. I suppose you think you’re funny.
April: All I’m saying is you probably want to watch what you eat. *shrugs* I want to make it clear to everyone that I don’t want to marry him. I have to. There’s a big difference. Lou will come back, and Sep isn’t old enough to get rid of him if Lou’s sober, which he might be next time. Even if Joel’s not strong or tall or good looking–
April: I don’t have any other option. It’s not like there were a lot of men in chapter one to choose from.
Joel: What in the world does this Lou want?
April: I don’t know. I suppose that’s something we’re going to find out toward the end of the book.
Joel: I don’t suppose the author would enlighten us on this point?
Ruth: If I did that, why would anyone read the book? The first rule in writing is to make people turn the page by wondering–
Joel: Blah, blah, blah. To everyone reading this, remember to leave a 1-star review when this travesty gets published. Maybe we can get her to revise this horror novel so I become a free man again.
Ruth: Joel, are you bookmarking this interview on your Netbook?
Joel: *hides computer behind his back* I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Ruth: I thought you were a gentleman. And here you are saving April’s picture as a screen saver.
Joel: I am doing no such thing, and you can’t prove it.
Ruth: It’s a good thing you’re marrying her or else I’d have your hide for this. Well, in the interest of continuing the story and making sure April doesn’t poison our beloved hero who has a classic case of denial, I’ll end the interview now.