I debated whether or not to post this, but after thinking over some comments I and another author received over the course of our careers, I figured, “What the hey? If I don’t say it, who will?” And those of you who read my books are used to the fact that I write what I want to write, regardless of what my critics (esp. other writers) say. They’re my books. Sink or swim, I still have to read them at the end of the day, and I started writing books because I couldn’t find books I wanted to read. So, what that equates to is simply this: I don’t hold something back because I might upset someone, and I got the reviews and hate mail to prove it. If a writer isn’t pissing someone off, then the book is mediocre. A book that stands for something will alienate some and make others want to read more. It’s in the nature of humans to take sides on issues when they’re passionate about something. And the topic of this post is something I am passionate about.
Warning: this post will upset the delicate sensibilities of women (and maybe men) who find sexual enjoyment to be somehow wrong in one sense or another. I will try to be tactful while getting my point across.
Myth: Christians aren’t supposed to enjoy sex. (Aka: if it’s not done solely for procreation or if it’s not done in the missionary position, it’s dirty.)
My answer: I’m a Christian woman, and I enjoy sex. I enjoy it a lot. And if anyone’s taken the time to look at nature, you’ll know that God creates a variety of things. Every type of flower, for example, has a different color, a different smell, a different height, and blooms at different parts of the year. Granted, some are similar to others, but others are a lot different. Sex is the same way. There are different positions and techniques to do. It doesn’t have to missionary, and it certainly isn’t just for procreation. How absurd would it be for the OB doctor to tell the couple, “Well, your wife is pregnant now, so you must abstain from sex until after she gives birth and is ready to conceive again.”?
And why only missionary? Granted, there are some limitation to how limber most of us are, but we are able to move our bodies around so it’s not always man on top. Think of how boring it would be if authors only wrote one type of book, over and over again. So you go online and see the same plot, same characters, etc. How old would that get really fast? If the authors’ imaginations and flowers show the creative spirit God has, then it’s no different in the bedroom. Experiment. You might find a position or technique that feels better than missionary. And in case someone doesn’t think this is Biblical, read the Song of Solomon carefully. Get past the flowery poetry and you’ll discover a few things that are surprising, like the woman enjoyed it and there was some oral sex going on. My point is, there’s no need to box yourself into a monotonous sex life.
Myth: Masturbation is wrong.
My answer: This is not supported anywhere in the Bible. I’ve read the Bible three times now (and am now working on the fourth read-through, which I admit is slow going since I have four kids and am writing books), but I am reading it again. And I have yet to see the anything in the Bible that supports this myth. If you read the Bible, especially the book of Leviticus, you’ll know that God is very specific when it comes to sexual behavior. No where in the Bible does it say, “Thy shall not fondle thyself to bring thee pleasure.”
It’s something good Christian people are told by the majority of preachers, and I notice these are men. And yet, the male body is physically designed to ejaculate on a regular basis, and this starts in puberty. I’m not trying to be gross here, but the fact is, the testicles fill up with seminal fluid, and this builds up pressure until that fluid needs to be released. If the man doesn’t have sex, he’ll either masturbate or have a wet dream (involuntary ejaculation during sleep) in order to empty the testicles. The sperm is produced on a regular basis, so this is an ongoing cycle in his body. Personally, if I was a guy, I’d masturbate instead of getting my sheets all sticky and wet because I had a wet dream, but hey, I hate washing sheets so I do whatever I can to keep them clean longer.
As for women, God has made the clitoris. This is the only part of the woman’s body that has only one purpose, and that purpose is for pleasure. It does nothing else. But here’s the catch. It’s not in the vagina, which means, it’s not stimulated during intercourse. This means, it’s harder for the woman to have an orgasm if she doesn’t know how the thing works. Men have no clue what to do with a clitoris. They don’t have one, so they have to be taught how it works or they have to experiment until they figure it out. Now, if a woman has taken the time to get to know her body and understands what works and what doesn’t, then she’s going to get an orgasm during her sexual play with her husband a lot quicker and she won’t be sexually frustrated because her husband had his release but she didn’t.
And there’s another good reason to masturbate. There will be times in the marriage where one of the spouses are unable to have sex. Say, the wife is sick with the stomach bug or has a yeast infection. Yeah, sex is not a good idea for valid reasons, but if the husband’s body is ready to ejaculate, then he’s biologically going to have to ejaculate. Likewise, there is a build up of tension in the clitoris that needs release as well. It’s hard to explain to a woman who is not used to how her body works or to a man who has no experience having a clitoris (LOL), but the time of month in a woman’s cycle and if it’s been awhile since she’s had release play a part in the need to get that release. If she doesn’t have that release, it can be impossible to sleep at night, and if there’s one thing I cherish after having children, it’s sleep. Sleep is my favorite pastime. Women might not have seminal fluid to get rid of, but the clitoris does have pressure building up. And when the husband is deployed, the sexual feelings don’t go with him. And there are certain times of the month, where the need is greater than others. I suspect this has to do with the hormonal fluctuation that makes the menstrual cycle possible. So there is a biological reason why women desire sex as well, and whether or not people are ready to admit it, masturbation is a healthy alternative when something happens and the spouse is unable to have sex.
I will clarify that masturbation should never be a substitute for sex with your spouse. The sexual relationship with the spouse is the priority, and if both people love each other outside the bedroom, their sex life will be good, too. And orgasms don’t have to happen every single time you have sex. (This includes men, too.) Most of the time, I think it should, but there will be times when it doesn’t, and that is normal. Like I said, it’s all in variety. But each time there should be an emotional connection where you feel closer to your spouse.
So why do I write sex into my books? Because I think it’s important to establish that along with the tenderness between a husband and wife, showing that God created sex as a gift that both people are supposed to enjoy is equally important. You can’t separate a good relationship from a good sex life. The two are connected. People who don’t understand that or somehow thinks sex makes the romance novel dirty are missing the blessing God has provided mankind.
Okay. I’m off my soapbox and will resume my regular posting on my books, character interviews, and whatnot in the next post. 🙂