Okay. So Lord Roderick has been on my case ever since I posted the excerpt where he asked Lord Edon for advice on how to please a woman in bed. Though I am editing his book right now, I broke down to have him on because he won’t stop whining–
Ruth: What would you call your nonstop complaining?
Ruth: Fine. You were whining with persistence.
Ruth: So are good characters.
Roderick: Were you or were you not just told by a successful Regency author that you should refer to me as Nate instead of Lord Roderick?
Ruth: That’s for the book. I’m not going to bother for these blog posts. Besides, that’s not why you’ve been “persistent” about talking to me. You wanted me to tell everyone that, contrary to what the story excerpt implied, you are good in bed, right?
Roderick: I am good in bed.
Ruth: Yeah, good at sleeping. *chuckles*
Roderick: *narrows eyes* I suppose you think you’re funny?
Ruth: Oh come on. I preserved your ego in the book. You have no need to worry your pretty little head about it. Lucky for you, Lord Edon happened to know a good book on the subject.
Roderick: Nice of you to show up wearing clothes.
Edon: Ha, ha. Who knew sarcasm could be mistaken for wit? For your information, I’m wearing clothes.
Roderick: A ridiculous necklace doesn’t qualify as clothing.
Edon: Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m at the beach enjoying my life of debauchery. I could go into detail, but until you read the book, you’ll have no idea what certain terms mean.
Roderick: I’m not an idiot. I can figure things out.
Edon: *snickers* Then why do you need pointers on how to please your wife?
Roderick: I can please my wife! Will you stop spreading these vicious rumors? It’s not good for my image.
Edon: As long as you followed the instructions, I’m sure Lady Roderick is happy, even if she’s not here to verify it.
Roderick: That’s it! Ruth, I want you to write his book next so he can get married even though he doesn’t want to be.
Duchess of Watkins: No way, Lord Roderick! Ruth must do my story next. I can’t take being married to my jerk of a husband any more. I’ve been waiting and waiting for him to die while you changed your mind and made her rewrite scenes in your book that would have been very boring had it not been for the secondary characters, especially your friend Lord Clement and her sister Lilly. I swear, you and Claire are two very dull people. If you were at all exciting, then you wouldn’t have had such much trouble telling Ruth what to write. Now your book is finally in its editing stages, and it’s time to start thinking of my book so my husband can finally die.
Roderick: Did you really call me and Claire boring?
Edon: She has a point. Even Lord Clement’s ward had to bail you two out so the book could be a full-length novel. But hey, cutie in the blue dress, you’re waiting for your husband to die?
Duchess of Watkins: You bet, and I’ve been sitting here forever so it can happen.
Edon: You are aware that your book will be a romance, aren’t you?
Duchess of Watkins: Yes, and it will be once my husband is out of the picture so I can replace him with a really sweet guy who looks just like him.
Edon: What? The Duke of Watkins doesn’t have a twin.
Roderick: You’ll have to forgive Lord Edon. He’s not the smartest person around.
Edon: Well, excuse me for missing the memo when the author was handing out our plots.
Ruth: Speaking of which… Lord Edon, you seem to forget that I have fixed you up to be married with the Duke of Rumsey’s daughter.
Edon: The boring one from An Inconvenient Wife? The one who mindlessly smiles and says “yes” or “no” like a broken record?
Ruth: I wouldn’t say she was boring.
Roderick: She was boring. Way more boring than me and Claire. I mean, if Claire and I had been boring, which we’re not. We’re actually very interesting people if you take the time to get to know us.
Edon: For goodness sakes, Bore-derick. This isn’t about you. This is about Ruth shutting down my happy life as a bachelor. Ruth, I can’t let this travesty happen. You’ll have to fix Lady Catherine up with someone else.
Ruth: Sorry. She’s meant for you. As soon as I wrote you two in the beginning of An Inconvenient Wife, I just knew how it would play out.
Edon: You’ve got to be kidding me! How can you just know something like that?
Ruth: *shrugs* I just do.
Edon: But you’re going to destroy everything I’m working for.
Roderick: Yes! Now this I can’t wait to see!
Edon: Oh wait! I know. Look, I can’t get married! I’m a rake, and the Duke of Rumsey is a very boring and uptight person. His whole life revolves around having the best for his daughter. He’ll never approve of a marriage between me and her.
Ruth: I didn’t say he allowed it. I just said you’re going to marry her.
Edon: But I can’t! No lady in her right mind will marry me.
Roderick: Gee, it sounds like you’re really dreading this. The loss of your freedom? Having to start taking responsibility of your life instead of wasting it away on wine, gambling, and loose women? You’re going to be miserable!
Edon: Hmm… I see you’re enjoying this horrifying turn of events.
Roderick: Only a little. But in my defense, you had it coming from all the jokes you made about my lack of prowess in the bedroom.
Edon: But if you followed the instructions in the book, you should’ve figured it out. And if you couldn’t, you could give it to your wife so she could get things going even if you couldn’t. Poor woman.
Duchess of Watkins: You two are absolutely disgusting. You think a good sex life is what happens in the bedroom?
Roderick: Of course.
Edon: Unless you’re creative, which isn’t one of Lord Roderick’s strong points.
Roderick: I can be creative.
Edon: Oh puh-leeze! You wouldn’t know what to do with an original thought if it bit you in the–
Duchess of Watkins: *clears throat* A lady’s present.
Edon: Oh good grief. You come on here and tell the whole world you want your husband to hurry up and die, and you’re preaching at me about being proper?
Duchess of Watkins: That’s different. It’s a crucial part of the plot in my book. I can’t get his look-alike to take his place unless he dies, and if that doesn’t happen, there’s no conflict. However, where you have sex or how good it is (or isn’t) have no bearing on the plots in your books. And honestly, Lord Roderick, no one cares if you’re any good in bed or not. What matters is how you treat your wife. If you treat her like she’s the most important person in the world, she’ll enjoy being in bed with you. So stop worrying if you’re a big shot in bed and be a big shot in listening to her feelings.
Edon: Exactly, Lord Roderick. How does your wife feel about engaging in some sensual positions in that gazebo of yours?
Duchess of Watkins: Agg! You both need someone to come along with a broom and hit you on the heads until you get some sense knocked into you. I feel sorry for the women forced into marriages with you dolts. Ruth, you’re doing my book next, right?
Ruth: Yes, I am.
Duchess of Watkins: That’s all I care about. I hope you don’t let these idiots into my book.
Ruth: I have no idea if they’ll show up or not.
Edon: Considering what a scoundrel the Duke of Watkins is, I have a feeling I will. I’ll miss Jason. Next to the Prince Regent, he’s my greatest hero.
Roderick: You call him by his Christian name?
Edon: We’ve gotten drunk together and celebrated by frivolous spending. We have no need for formalities.
Duchess of Watkins: I know what he does with his free time, thank you very much. While you might miss carousing around with him, I’ll be glad to get a new start in life. Ruth, I’ll be waiting for you to start my book. *leaves*
Roderick: I’ve stuck around long enough, too. It’s time for me to go home to my wife and show her how great I am in bed…or anywhere else she might fancy.
Edon: *snickers* You know, the more you brag about how great you are, the more we all know you’re lying.
Roderick: *grumbles and stomps off*
Ruth: Funny you should say that stuff about bragging and lying. I swear, Lord Edon, one would believe you were talking about yourself.
Edon: Well, I wasn’t.
Ruth: I guess we’ll see when we get to your book, won’t we? *winks and heads off*
Edon: What is that supposed to mean? Ruth? Ruth? *frowns* Where is Dave Larson with that union idea when you need him?