Rick: Joel, who is your next witness?
Joel: Tom Larson.
Joel: That is your name.
Tom: But I’m a lawyer.
Tom: So? Lawyers can’t be questioned.
Joel: Says who?
Rick: What is the point in having Tom questioned, Joel?
Joel: Your honor, I believe Tom can attest to how much my client has done for her characters.
Rick: In that case, Tom come on up.
Tom: *sighs but goes to sit at the witness stand* Alright. What do you want to know?
Joel: Is it true that you are happily married?
Joel: That’s a picture of you, Tom. Don’t you recognize yourself?
Tom: I do not pick my nose. Your honor, I demand that picture be removed at once!
Rick: Tom has a good point, Joel. You need to remove the picture.
Tom: But he didn’t remove the picture of Ruth when he had her wearing that creepy tiara.
Rick: But that picture wasn’t disgusting. No one wants to see Tom picking his nose.
Joel: Fine. I’ll dig up another one.
Tom: *glanced at Rick and mutters* At least you agreed with me on something.
Tom: What is THAT picture about?
Joel: You look like this on a regular basis. We can’t be sure what it means, but I suspect these are the moments where you’re trying to think.
Tom: Objection, your honor!
Rick: Objection sustained. Joel, this isn’t the time for giving Tom grief. Save that for another book. Get to the questions.
Joel: Are you happily married, Tom?
Tom: Yes. Jessica is the best wife a man could ever have.
Joel: And who gave you Jessica?
Joel: So if it wasn’t for Ruth, you wouldn’t be married today.
Tom: If it wasn’t for Ruth, none of us would exist.
Joel: Exactly! We are here because Ruth wrote us down. If she had never taken the time to write her books, then we wouldn’t be here today.
Tom: Well…yeah. That’s right.
Joel: And hasn’t Ruth been good to you? Hasn’t she been good to all of us? We’re all happily married. If she wanted to, she could have killed off one of us or our wives. But she didn’t do that. She’s given us a happy ending. While it’s true that the books are somewhat unrealistic… I mean, we all know I could have outwitted you and Rick when you two came out to force me to marry April, but for the sake of fiction, I played along with it.
Rick: *bangs gavel* Objection, Joel. Stick to the case.
Joel: My point is that even if there are some things that are hard to believe, she wrote it in anyway so we could all be happy. Don’t you think you’re better off having been in one of Ruth’s romance novels because she gave you Jessica to be your wife?
Tom: Well, yeah. I can’t imagine my life without Jessica.
Joel: So instead of taking Dave and Mary’s side, don’t you agree that Ruth has the right to ask that we appreciate all she’s done for us?
Dave: *stands up* Objection!
Joel: Objection to his objection!
Dave: Your honor, Joel is asking Tom to make an opinion based on his experience and to apply that opinion as if the rest of us agree.
Rick: Objection sustained. Joel, just ask Tom what he thinks based on his experience.
Joel: *rolls his eyes* I can’t wait until you’re up here for me to question, Dave.
Dave: *narrows his eyes* Bring it.
Rick: *bangs gavel* Enough. Joel, do you have anything else to ask Tom?
Joel: No, I think I’ve stated my case. You may go back to the wrong side of the courtroom, Tom.
Tom: *returns to his seat*