Rick: Tom, who’s your next witness?
Tom: Dave Larson.
Dave: *goes to the witness stand and sits down*
Tom: Dave, tell us your side of the story.
Tom: How so?
Dave: This whole thing started because I was a concerned parent. I love my children, and I want what’s best for them.
Tom: What does this have to do with Ruth?
Dave: I’m getting to that. You see, while she was writing Isaac’s Decision, it broke my heart. I mean, how would you feel if your kid was going to marry someone you thought wasn’t good for them. What parent is going to sit idly by and let their child make a huge mistake? So I intervened and tried to offer Ruth alternative endings to her book. I don’t know why that is such a crime.
Tom: It’s not a crime to do that.
Dave: Exactly. Then Ruth made fun of me by mocking my attempts at writing and saying I gave myself 5-star reviews while she gave me 1-star reviews. Then I had to be the perfect character in To Have and To Hold, and I did my part. But Ruth made a spectacle of me. I was the laughing stock of this blog.
Tom: How so?
Dave: I merely wanted to caution her readers that she might be a bad author because she doesn’t listen to her characters. If she’s not listening to me, then there are going to be others she won’t listen to in the future. I was trying to prevent what happened to me happen to other characters. I thought if her readers banned her books until she changed her ways, then she’d listen to all of us and give us an equal say. We are her characters, after all. Don’t we deserve to have a say in what happens in our books?
Tom: But the ban didn’t work?
Dave: No. She made it sound like I was a joke. Everyone was laughing at me.
Tom: It hurt, didn’t it?
Dave: *shrugs* Well, I was thinking it was more annoying than hurt. I didn’t cry or anything.
Tom: So when banning the books didn’t work, you created the union?
Dave: Yes. I thought if I couldn’t convince her readers to demand better treatment for her characters, then I could get other characters to join me.
Tom: And that didn’t work.
Dave: No, it didn’t. Except for that immodestly dressed woman from the environmental group and her weird friends, no one was interested. None of those characters would have helped. I needed Ruth’s characters to stand with me and demand our rights.
Tom: But it didn’t work.
Dave: *looks pointedly at him* No, it didn’t, and you were one of the characters who supported Ruth during that time.
Tom: Objection, your honor.
Rick: How can you object? This is your client.
Tom: My involvement in the union has nothing to do with this case.
Rick: Don’t you mean ‘your lack of involvement’?
Tom: *thinks for a moment* Yeah, I guess so. Lack means I didn’t participate, right?
Rick: Objection sustained. Move on with the questioning.
Tom: *turns to Dave* So in desperation, you faked your kidnapping?
Dave: It was all I could think of. I could have kept doing the same things I did before, but there’s a saying that goes, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” I had to do something different. It was all I could think of to help people understand the seriousness of the situation.
Tom: Thank you, Dave. I have nothing else to ask.
Joel: *stands up and approaches Dave* So, you think this whole trial is pointless?
Dave: Yes. It’s a waste of time.
Joel: Some might argue that you faking your own kidnapping is a waste of time.
Dave: Desperate men do desperate things.
Dave: That picture isn’t me.
Joel: It’s not you but it represents your thinking process during the whole time you’ve been giving Ruth grief.
Dave: There’s nothing wrong with my thinking process, Joel. Some day, Ruth will take your children and write a story about them. What if she makes one of your children a bandit who goes around robbing banks or a cold-blooded killer?
Joel: You can’t compare Isaac marrying Emily to a criminal.
Dave: I’m using an example to show you the depth of my pain. Not that I cried or anything.
Joel: *rolls eyes* Sure, Dave.
Dave: I didn’t.
Joel: Whatever. *holds his hand up before Dave can speak* Under oath to tell the truth, can you honestly say that Isaac is miserable right now?
Dave: That’s not the point.
Joel: It is the point. The truth is that even if you didn’t cry *coughs* yeah right *coughs*, Ruth gave Isaac a happy ending because Emily turned out to be good for him.
Dave: It isn’t the point at all. The point is that Ruth didn’t even listen to my concerns. She made all these posts where people laughed at me.
Joel: Do we need our teddy bear, Dave?
Dave: What? Teddy bears weren’t even around in the 1800s.
Joel: It’s an expression, Dave. It means that even if you’re a grown man with a family of your own, you still need to be protected from a few laughs. You’re sensitive. Your emotions get hurt easily.
Dave: That’s not true!
Joel: Oh, isn’t it? I propose that the reason why you faked your own kidnapping — after Mary the mastermind thought up the clever scheme — was so you could run off and pout with your teddy bear.
Dave: No, it wasn’t. I did it to make a point!
Joel: Yes, you did! And now we all know when things don’t go your way, you act like a kid having a temper tantrum.
Dave: *motions to Tom* Aren’t you going to object?
Tom: To what?
Dave: Really? You have to ask?
Tom: Well, you have been throwing temper tantrums on this blog and acting like it’s all about you.
Dave: *huffs and turns to Rick* Your honor, I want to represent myself for the rest of the case.
Joel: There’s no need, Dave. I believe I just proved my point. When things don’t go exactly as you want them, you get demanding like a little kid. No more questions, your honor.