Please note: This scene does NOT actually appear in the story.  It’s a spoof.  

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Greetings!  This is Christopher Robinson, the dashing hero in His Reluctant Lady.  Since Ruth is busy co-writing a couple of books, I thought I’d delight everyone with this Sunday’s Story Sample I wrote.

I call it, “The Evil Two Earls” and if all goes well, it’ll make it into His Reluctant Lady which happens to be the very best book Ruth has ever written…and I’m not just saying that because I’m the main character.  Well, all right, I am, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.  This is way better than anything else she’s ever done.  Dave Larson, eat your heart out.  *smirks* His Reluctant Lady is going to be better than Eye of the Beholder.

Anyway, without further ado, I present a sample I wrote that will hopefully make it into the final version of His Reluctant Lady…

“The Evil Two Earls”

While Christopher and Agatha were enjoying a night of wild, passionate lovemaking, Perry paced the floor of his townhouse.  No matter how much he tried, he didn’t have peace.  What was wrong with him?  Was his boring life not enough?  Since when did his dull political books and stupid cane that served as an emotional crutch lose their appeal?  It was very disturbing and no matter what he tried to do, he just couldn’t find that special place of contentment.

He summoned the butler and demanded to be taken at once to Nate’s townhouse.  If anyone could tell him how to feel about something, it was his controlling and overbearing friend since childhood, Lord Roderick.

When he reached the carriage, he saw two ladies who were yet unattached.  Like the idiot he was, he proceeded to explain why a certain move on the chessboard could guarantee more success than Napoleon’s maneuver at Waterloo.  Within minutes the ladies’ eyes glazed over then, much to their relief, his footman opened the carriage door and he was out of their lives.

Christopher Robinson (very proud of what he’s writing)

Now, both ladies would be married before the week was up, and he’d convince himself that it was all because of his cane rather than the fact that he bored them into the arms of other gentlemen.  Denial is a very sad thing and as long as he stays there, he’s doomed.  But I digress.  Back to my tale of woe…

Perry arrived at Nate’s townhouse, and Nate was glowering at a very sweet lady named Claire who just so happened to be his wife.  He had, once again, thrown out the sympathy cards and flowers sent to express sorrow for her grave misfortune in having to marry him.  All right.  I send the cards and flowers, but no one needs to know that so that will get cut during edits.

Anyway, Claire fled off to her bedchamber in utter despair, wishing there was a way to get rid of her controlling husband but not knowing how that would be possible.  Fortunately, this evening would be the evening when fate would step in on her behalf.  But I need to back up and explain how.

“Oh what is it that ails me so?” Perry moaned in utter despair as he collapsed into a chair.

Oh wait…  Nate and Perry went to Nate’s library because they find comfort in boring and stuffy books, not a single interesting title in resides in that place.

So there they are in the library, Perry sulking like a little boy who lost his last friend in the world, twirling the cane around in his hand as if it was the reason all bad things happened to him.

I just noticed I switched from past tense to present tense.  That should be corrected in the edits.  Ruth, make a note to correct this.  I’ll go back to past tense now.  Sorry for the confusion, everyone.

Nate poured brandy into his glass and gulped it then slammed the glass on his desk and let out an evil laugh.  “I know what ails you, my weak-minded friend.”

Perry, ever in need of guidance, looked up hopefully at his friend who was sharpening the horns on his head.  “What? What is it that has caused my discontent?”

“The answer is simple.  You let that ward of yours run off and get married.  Now there is nothing to make Christopher miserable.  And you know what fiendish delight I get in other people’s misery, and when he’s miserable, you’re happy.” His eyes glowed red as he rubbed his hands together and snarled. “We must make him miserable.”

“But how shall we do that?”

“We enact a plan!”

“A plan?”

“Yes, it’s an idea.  It’s something we will do to make sure a certain outcome is reached.”

“Huh?”

Nate shook his head.  “Why must I do all the thinking for you?  I swear, if it wasn’t for me, you never would have figured out how to tie your shoes.”

“Do we have ties in the Regency time period?”

Nate groaned.  “Does it matter?”

“To someone out there reading this, yes.”

“If they didn’t have ties, then I am even smarter for I thought of something that hasn’t happened yet.”

“Why don’t you do a Google search to see if ties existed back then?”

Nate pulled out his pitchfork and threw it at Perry who was then pinned against the nearest wall, too stupid to realize how close he’d come to being killed with the thing.  “Back to what’s important, Perry!  I am the one in charge here.  You will do whatever I say and believe whatever I say.”

“You’re right, Nate.  As always.”

Perry and Nate as they contemplate how to ruin Christopher’s life….again.

Nate snapped his fingers and the pitchfork disappeared.  “Very good.  What we need is a way to make Christopher miserable.  Once we do that, you will be happy.”

“Yes, I do enjoy it when he suffers.”

“As do I.  The manure in those stables and waste in those chamber pots…” Nate let out a deep laugh, thunder and lightning booming in the background.  “I was a genius to torment him by making him muck out stalls and empty chamber pots.  That was indeed, my finest hour.  I read through that part of The Earl’s Inconvenient Wife every night before I go to bed.”

“Yes, Nate.  You were truly inspired.  And I was very happy back then.”

“And you will be again!” He leapt over his desk and pulled the cord to alert his butler that he and Perry would leave at once.  “Come, come,” he told Perry, giving him his cane.  “We shall be on our way.”

Ever dutiful, Perry followed Nate.  Once they sat in the carriage, Perry asked, “What is this plan, Nate?  What will we do to make Christopher miserable?”

A slow smile spread across Nate’s face.  “We shall make him impotent.”

“Impotent?”

“Now and forever.”

Together, the two horrible earls laughed as the horses hurried down the streets of London, bringing them closer to their goal.

But as I said, fate would intervene tonight and make things better for everyone.  Another carriage happened to be coming in the opposite direction at breakneck speed.  The driver and footman saw it and managed to jump off for safety before it slammed into Nate’s carriage.  The two evil friends died at once, their plan never coming to fruition.

And everyone else lived happily ever after.  For those worried about Claire, I assure you, everything worked out for her.  She went on to marry a duke who was really strong and good looking and who adopted a lot of children from the orphanage.  Claire’s a really caring person who has nothing but kindness and love to give to children.  And as for the single ladies, they were all spared the boring chess analogies from Perry, so yes, they were happy too.

The End

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Photo credit for Christopher Robinson: © Vanessa Van Rensburg | Dreamstime.com

Photo credit for Lord Roderick and Lord Clement: © Aleksandar Todorovic | Dreamstime.com