Little did I know that when I posted the sample for Rose Gordon’s The Officer and the Bostoner, that my characters (one in particular) would feel the need to send me this email:
Subject: Remove Offensive Post At Once
I am appalled–appalled, I say!–to open up my inbox and find a promotion for another author’s characters. Ruth, seriously, you have your own books and those characters to post about, not some other characters out there in another author’s book. I have given you the best years of my life (at least the best three months), and this is how you treat me? I patiently waited until you got done with those samples from The Stagecoach Bride and Bride by Arrangement because they were your books. Okay. They really aren’t completely yours. You are co-authoring them.
But as I was saying, this post last Sunday was too much. I tried in vain to get it removed, but WordPress said I didn’t have any rights since I was a fictional character. Can you believe that? As if being a fictional character lowers me to the status of a non-real entity or something. So I am coming to you directly to demand you remove the offensive post at once.
If you refuse my request, I’ll be forced to go on your blog with this:
Mister Christopher Robinson (hero in His Reluctant Lady)
Needless to say, I deleted the email.
Christopher: You deleted my email?
Ruth: Yes, I did. And I deleted that horribly cropped picture you included as an attachment.
Christopher: I’ll have you know it took me over an hour to dig up the picture of Dave Larson holding a poster asking people to ban your books.
Ruth: Well, you could have spent another ten minutes making it look like you were actually the one holding the poster. Dave isn’t going to like knowing you’re going through his folder where he keeps all his pictures and documents.
Christopher: You’re going off topic. I demand you take down the post at once.
Christopher: Why not?
Ruth: Because you’re just a character, Christopher. You’re a figment of my imagination that I put on paper. Well, in a Word document on my computer anyway.
Christopher: I’m not “just a character”. As soon as your wrote me, I took on a life of my own.
Gavin: Don’t waste your breath. This is what authors do. They create us and refuse to acknowledge we have any rights. I’m going through the same thing with my author, Sandy Davis.
Ruth: Sandy is my character, Gavin, and both of you are in His Abducted Bride. So if you think about it, you are a character of my character.
Christopher: That reasoning is more complicated than a soap opera.
Ruth: It’s easier to understand when you read the book.
Gavin: Well, whatever the case, I’m not going to let Sandy kill me off like she wants to.
Christopher: Kill you off?
Gavin: Yes. Sandy’s plan is to kill me off in the final scene of her fantasy novel. I have to find a way to stop her.
Christopher: Is that why you’re wearing a knight costume?
Gavin: It’s not a costume. This is battle gear. I’m the king and warrior of Havenshire.
Christopher: I don’t see how your book is a romance novel. This is what a romance novel is supposed to look like:
Christopher continues: You have a gorgeous lady on the cover, preferably one who’s showing a little extra on top, if you know what I mean. Then you have a passionate color like red and use font that is feminine looking. That’s what a romance novel is supposed to look like.
Gavin: You can have a man on the cover, too. See, there’s a bride and a warrior/king on the front.
Christopher: With non-romancy colors like yellow.
Gavin: It’s supposed to be gold, like the color of a wedding band.
Christopher: That reasoning might work if there wasn’t that stupid looking thing in the background.
Gavin: It’s a castle.
Christopher: If you say so… But you’re missing the point. You are aware that Ruth gave up writing fantasy years ago once she realized romance is a lot more fun, right?
Gavin: Sandy is writing the fantasy, not Ruth. Ruth is writing the romance that includes an author who is writing a fantasy.
Christopher: Like I said, that is more confusing than a soap opera. I can tell you right now that more people will want to read my book than yours.
Gavin: Just because your cover has a woman showing cleavage?
Christopher: No, because my book is clearly defined. Not to mention, I’m an awesome, witty, and good looking guy. I mean, really. What lady in her right mind could resist a face like this?
Agatha (heroine in His Reluctant Lady): Any lady can resist a face like that, Christopher.
Christopher: You know you want me.
Agatha: I want you like I want the plague.
Gavin: Christopher, speak to me when you have muscles and looks. I work out every day to make sure I’m in top physical shape.
Agatha: Wow! I’m in the wrong book.
Gavin: *snickers at Christopher*
Christopher: You know what they say. Better to work out your mind than your body.
Agatha: Nobody says that.
Christopher: They do at White’s.
Christopher: It’s a gentleman’s club. You wouldn’t be interested. We don’t play with barbels there. We engage in higher pursuits like thinking strategically in a chess game, things that would only confuse you.
Agatha: And they also gamble, gossip, and make childish bets.
Christopher: I seem to recall you aren’t immune to gossip, my dear Agatha. Do the Tittletattle and Gerard Addison ring a bell?
Agatha: This conversation is boring me now that there are no new pictures of Gavin being posted. I’ll be on my way. Don’t follow me out, Christopher. *hurries off*
Christopher: When she says that, she’s hoping I will follow her.
Gavin: *rolls eyes* Sure, she does.
Dave Larson: I’ve been getting some messages on my cell about someone named Christopher Robinson who was insinuating that he’s the best hero Ruth ever wrote. Who is this twerp?
Gavin: The twerp is over there.
Ruth: Dave, this post is getting too long. You can’t barge in here at the last minute and take over.
Dave: I have a title to defend here. We ran a legitimate poll on this blog and I won. I am the best hero of all time.
Christopher: That was before I came along.
Dave: I don’t think so.
Ruth: Debate this another day, guys. I’m closing this particular post.
Dave: I am coming back.
Ruth: I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Dave.