Greg: There is no way Patty’s Gamble can be construed as a romance. Ruth Ann Nordin is warped in the head. What she’s done is created a horror novel and (lucky me), I’m in it. If I make it out of this alive, I’ll count my blessings. But as it is, I think my days are numbered. You see, I’m the very unfortunate male lead in this horror novel called Patty’s Gamble:
Ruth: Whoa, whoa, whoa! That isn’t the cover. The cover is this:
Greg: Granted, Patty does have a glint of evil in her eye in that cover, but it doesn’t adequately portray how scared I am.
Patty: Scared? Oh please! You’re not scared.
Greg: Yes, I am. I’m in fear for my very life.
Ruth: Well, you do seem to be running away from her in the cover I made.
Greg: Your cover isn’t good enough. It doesn’t convey the sheer terror I have to deal with. I can’t go to sleep at night unless I lock my bedroom door.
Patty: Because you refuse to have sex with me.
Greg: I have to go without food.
Patty: Because you refuse to eat anything I make.
Greg: And she’s turning all my ranch hands against me.
Patty: Because they realize you marrying me is the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
Greg: You don’t get it, Patty. I do not want to be married to you. I don’t want to be married at all. Period.
Patty: Marriage is good for you, Greg. Didn’t you know that men who are married live longer than men who don’t?
Greg: Not when you’re walking around the house with a knife.
Patty: How else do you want me to cut into the pie I cook for you?
Greg: You can make it sound as innocent as you want, but the fact remains, I have to be subjected to the horrors you inflict in my once-peaceful home.
Patty: This is a complete misrepresentation of the book. If anything, this is what the cover should be:
Greg: No way. That’s not how it is at all.
Patty: You’re right. Because in the book, I came to you without any clothes on. I figured for the sake of this post, I should PG 13 it.
Greg: You should have made it G or PG.
Patty: What’s the fun in that? G or PG isn’t going to get your attention. And quite frankly, it’d be boring.
Greg: I could have done a PG 13 cover too, but I was mindful of sensitive eyes and didn’t want to drag in all the blood.
Patty: Oh, good grief! There’s no blood in this book.
Greg: And there’s not going to be any sex either.
Patty: Yes, there will. Out of the 40 romances Ruth has written, 38 have sex in them. That means, there’s a 95% chance of you coming to bed with me.
Ruth: Actually, it’s a 100%, Patty. I don’t do “sweet” romances these days. Don’t worry. Greg will be yours before the end of the book. In fact, he’ll be yours halfway into it.
Greg: I want to be in a different book. One that’s not yours, Ruth. No offense, but you’re a terrible writer, putting your characters through all sorts of pain.
Ruth: *yawn* I’ve heard all this before from other characters, and yet they are always happy at the end of the book.
Greg: Well, you haven’t written me yet.
Ruth: The others gave me the same lame threat. I’m no longer discouraged by such words. If this was my 20th romance, I might be freaking out, but this is romance #41. I’ve seen it all and done it all with you characters. There’s nothing that surprises me anymore.
Greg: We’ll see.
Ruth: Yes, you will. Now stop wasting my time. I have your book to write.
*Greg leaves, swearing that he’ll be different from other notable characters who argued with Ruth in the past, like Dave and Joel Larson and Lord Roderick. But we all know that this is a romance and romances ALWAYS have a happy ending.*