Today, Joel and April agreed to discuss their wedding. Since I’ve been starting off these interviews with Joel, I’ll talk to him first.
Joel: …. *long and mournful sigh*
Weird. I guess he’s not up for talking today.
You’re telling me, he’s been staring off into space all day?
April: And sighing as if his life has just come to an end. It’s annoying. If he lets out one more miserable sigh, I just might whack him over the head with a pan.
Joel: Great job, Ruth. You see who you set me up with!
So he does speak.
Joel: As if forcing me into this marriage wasn’t bad enough, an author who had half a heart for her characters would never have posted the wedding scene on this blog for the whole world to see. I’ve never been so humiliated in my entire life. That scene was an utter and complete disaster.
Tom liked it.
Joel: Of course, he liked it. He’s a moron.
April: At least I know it’s not just me you’re unpleasant to, Joel. You hate people in general.
Joel: I don’t hate people. I help the doctor because I care about people. I just don’t like certain types of people, which is something any reasonable man would agree with.
April: If you were reasonable, you’d be easier to tolerate.
Joel: Tolerate? Did you just say I’m not easy to tolerate?
April: Is there something wrong with your hearing?
Joel: You want to talk about people who are hard to tolerate? How about someone who won’t let you leave their house and points a gun at you? How would you like that?
April: You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re still ranting about that?
Joel: It only happened three days ago in book time.
April: Well, if you’d only suggested someone else who’d be willing to take your place, I would have gladly married him instead. But no. You just went about the house, pouting like a child who didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas. Seriously, Ruth, I didn’t marry a man; I married a boy.
Joel: *gasps* The insults never stop with you, do they, April? I can already tell you how this marriage is going to be. Suffocating. Bleak. Wretched. It’s like something out of a horror novel. I can’t believe Rick agreed to chain me to April. I mean, Tom is to be expected. He lives to make me suffer, but I honestly thought Rick was on my side.
April: Whine, whine, whine. I think I like the blank stare and endless sighing better. You know, I might not be happy with the arrangement either, but at least I don’t go around moping about it.
Let’s get back to the wedding. April, what did you think of Joel’s family?
April: Well, I only got to meet Tom and Rick. It’s too bad one of them wasn’t single. I suspect that my life would be better right now if I could have married one of them instead. Are you sure you don’t want to give me Sally’s role in Her Heart’s Desire?
Joel: April, you’re so funny I forgot to laugh.
April: Who’s trying to be funny? I prefer a hero who is enthusiastic. Hey, I know! I could play Alice’s part in Isaac’s Decision. I hear you’re thinking of doing her romance. Or what about Mrs. Ritter who lost her husband when he fell off the roof?
Joel: If Tom wasn’t such an idiot and if Dave wasn’t so boring, I’d pick one of them to replace, even if they are married. At least Jessica is always nice and Mary can cook the best meals a man ever tasted.
What about your other brother, Richard?
Joel: Richard? The one who rarely ever shows up and we tend to forget exists? The one you’re moving back to the East Coast to quietly get rid of because you have no interest in him at all? What fun would that be? The guy is like the older brother, Chuck, in the 70s show called Happy Days where he showed up for the first couple episodes and then magically vanished. I saw that on Nick at Nite where they pointed out weird facts about the old TV shows.
Joel, you live in 1878. What are you doing watching TV from 1974 to 1984? Technically, you’re dead by then.
Joel: For your information, I am a book character. I live forever. I also have access to your mind and am in tune with the stuff you watched, though I do have to admit, Happy Days was never the same once Richie Cunningham (played by Ron Howard) left the show. And the Fonz? I don’t know. He was kind of creepy since he was hanging around high school kids.
Well, he was a high school dropout, so he was supposed to be their age…I think.
Joel: I can’t believe a high school dropout would be portrayed as cool and exciting. What woman is really going to want to date, let alone marry, someone who doesn’t finish high school? Oh, hey. He never did get married in that show, did he?
No, I don’t think he ever did.
Joel: So that’s the secret to being a bachelor forever. I never should have done my schooling and worked for Doctor Adams.
April: Is this going to go on much longer because as interesting as this might be to you two, I am falling asleep. I’m pretty sure one of the people reading this ridiculous interview just fell into a coma.
April’s right. I think it’s time we wrapped this up and went to bed.
April: When you say, “went to bed”, you don’t mean that Joel and I…? *shudders*
I mean, I’m going to bed. What you two decide to do or not do on your wedding night is up to you.
I’m sure April and Joel will find a way to resolve their differences soon. If not on their wedding night, then some other time. Night, everyone! 😀